6:24PM

Hi guys!!!

Hahahaha omg sooo lama dah tak buka blog ni.. Ada lagi ke pembaca? Hi loyal readers!
Can you believe it its going to be 2020 in less than 30 days? And also, I will be 22! I still cant believe it, life has been bittersweet for me.

Im still studying at UNITEN in Bachelor Electrical Engineering Power, 3rd year. InsyaAllah next year I will start my internship and then 1 more year then I will finish my studies. Alhamdulillah. I dont know how i reach this far, but im glad i still made it here. & I want to make it big. I still remember just yesterday how stupid I can be.

Sometimes I really miss my childhood, but it makes me appreciate the present so I ll know how to value it. Are you okay guys? If you guys need someone to listen to, please dont hesitate to contact me. :(

12;59AM

I am ready to let go and let God determines the rest. Because Im tired of taking for granted. Im tired of not being appreciated. Im done, I have been keeping these feelings for years, not telling the world because I was afraid their opinions about you will change. I didnt want them to hate you. but now i do. All the silences, they didnt help our relationship at all. Anyway, anyhow I need you to be gone and I need my happiness back.

you once asked me "when we first started to like each other, why you didnt reply me when I asked if I say I love you, will you love me back?" and the answer is, I knew if we were together, over time it'll be wears off so its better if we just stay friends. but fuck me, I lost and I loved you. Now I get what I deserve. I finally remember why I dont want us to be more than friends, because of this.

Sometimes we all just need someone to listen, and you never did, anymore.

11;37AM

Hi. Guys, I know this is kinda late, but I am officially 20. Can u believe it? Some of you who has been secretly reading my blog, I have been keeping this blog since I was 12. so it has been like 8 years old! I am shooketh... Anyway, to keep you guys updated;

I am currently working with my father's friend's engineering company since I didn't take short semester courses (Feb-April) at my university. Its not really working actually, more like internship with no experience background but with allowance of course hihi. Today is my 3rd day being here, and I try to help as much as I could within what I capable of.. Because I am only at my 1st semester degree, so I have yet to learn anything about what real engineers do but the seniors teach me so I guess I am okay! The reason why I decided to work here is because I want to gain the feelings, because studying engineering somewhat makes me feel like I am in between. I don't know if its worth it so my parents took the step by asking their friend (The boss aka uncle) to take me so I can gain experiences. U see, I think about my future too much and I want it to be the way I imagined, so with this, I think its a big step. The other reason why I am working is because I want to learn more about hands on than theoretical. I am scared if they give me something and I couldn't do it. InsyaAllah, everything with be fine. Please pray for me!

3;47AM

Life can be pretty stressful, but if you met the right person at the right time, then I guess it will all be worth it? The problem is that life is never about one game, it knows everything; it can practically challenge us anything. But He never put us in a situation where we can't handle. I love how currently Im having a hard time, but then I have people supporting me, secretly helping me eventhough they didn't realise. Actually, I wish I can do something about this. I hate waking up every morning thinking I have been making a mistake. I wish I can just ignore the thoughts, but its really hard when its in you for a long time. Back then, thinking negatively can actually make me move forward. Buttt then its getting harder and harder, instead of making me move forward, it is ruining with my self-confidence. It is haunting me everytime I am in a difficult situation. So rather than just fixing it, I just ignore it at one point, I dont know what else to do. You know at some point youve choices u can choose but right now, both my choices are really hard. One can be pretty good for me but bad for other; and the opposite. I dont want to please anyone, but I had no choice, its my loved ones. So I had to go on. 

Some said I am a coward. I admit sometimes I tend to run away from things but you dont get it. None of you gets it. You know what youre doing, you know what you want. I dont and its pretty stupid to go for things u dont even know. Its like youre going somewhere but you dont know your destination, and u keep making the wrong turns and people are mad at you for it. "Its not about the destination, its the journey." Yes, its not simple as that, when ure the type who likes to know wheres the destination so you could feel a bit relieved. I wish I know what I want so I dont go all lost in a moment when Im supposed to enjoy it. I take the blame, I know I can be reckless but people are different. Please dont expect them to be just like you.

Some of us are still trying hard to get 'in'.

4;54AM

It didnt quite get me right; the emotions, the motion of time, helpless in talking out for myself. I did everything I could. I ignore, and I keep it. & thats where I was wrong. It is inside me and its making me feel uncomfortable. I dont know why but it seems like I still havent fully achieved peace in my heart no matter how many times i pray, no matter how many good deeds ive done, its still there, living inside me. Maybe because I havent make deal yet, with myself. Instead of taking actions, I push it away. I rather not face it, because I think time will heal the pain, but of course, the scars remain. and it remembers. how it hurts u. how it got u broken. how everything feels destroyed. hopeless remain the truth. ure not sad or anything. u know when its inside u because though it happened already for years, when one of the random nights, it suddenly caught u in the moment and theres nothing u can do. is it trauma? i dont know.

This is one of those times where I really miss my Creator. I know God is real, I havent had doubt even once. I know His Greatness, not once I question it. But it makes me sad that a person is capable of hurting others & s/he didnt get to feel anything, because I do. I feel it in my bones. How comes I feel everything? How comes I cant sleep at nights just because I was thinking of someone else's fault? How does it becomes my misery? Why cant I make peace with it?